Wedding Policies for Churches . . . Do you have one?
A pastor recently received a call from a young woman who wanted to get married in the church he served. The young woman explained that years ago, she had attended the church and that it was her and her future husband’s desire to have their wedding performed where their parents got married as well; and where their parents attended.
The pastor asked if both of them were believers (meaning if they believed that Jesus Christ gave them eternal salvation), and a after brief pause the young lady answered: “I am a believer, but my future husband is not.”
The pastor asked, if they would be willing to meet with him, especially since one of them is not a believer, and that he requires counseling before any marriage.
The woman became somewhat upset and replied that all she wanted was a wedding in the church.
You would think the story ends here, but not so. Soon after, the pastor was reminded by some Deacons of the church, that he should give in and marry them, since the parents, who were attendees heard about the conversation from their daughter and were very upset. The Deacons concern was that the entire family may leave over this “hard-headed” behavior of the pastor. The parents of the young couple also told the Deacons that another (willing) pastor should perform the wedding in the church if their pastor was not going to do it.
. . . I will leave you in suspense how the pastor reacted, but maybe this Blog is the place where we can raise and ask the following questions:
1. Is marriage a sacrament in the church you serve?
2. Will you as a pastor marry individuals, who are not saved?
3. Do you have a church policy in place? Could you spell out the key issues and points?
4. How would have you reacted to the Deacons response to the problem?
The pastor asked if both of them were believers (meaning if they believed that Jesus Christ gave them eternal salvation), and a after brief pause the young lady answered: “I am a believer, but my future husband is not.”
The pastor asked, if they would be willing to meet with him, especially since one of them is not a believer, and that he requires counseling before any marriage.
The woman became somewhat upset and replied that all she wanted was a wedding in the church.
You would think the story ends here, but not so. Soon after, the pastor was reminded by some Deacons of the church, that he should give in and marry them, since the parents, who were attendees heard about the conversation from their daughter and were very upset. The Deacons concern was that the entire family may leave over this “hard-headed” behavior of the pastor. The parents of the young couple also told the Deacons that another (willing) pastor should perform the wedding in the church if their pastor was not going to do it.
. . . I will leave you in suspense how the pastor reacted, but maybe this Blog is the place where we can raise and ask the following questions:
1. Is marriage a sacrament in the church you serve?
2. Will you as a pastor marry individuals, who are not saved?
3. Do you have a church policy in place? Could you spell out the key issues and points?
4. How would have you reacted to the Deacons response to the problem?
_______________________
My doctorate thesis at Bethel Seminary (Bethel University in St Paul) was on the topic of pre-marriage ministries.
At a prior church the policy was that anyone married in the church had to complete our 7-week pre-marriage workshop and then 2-3 sessions with the marrying pastor. The church where I currently serve just implemented a similar policy.
I would not marry an "unequally yoked" couple as such implies the endorsement of God for a non-Biblical wedding. That one party is not a Christian is not the only Biblical definition of unequally yoked, disparate spiritual maturity and many other factors must be considered.
The problem of divorce is far too many inadvisable weddings as the result of non-Biblical pressure in churches, and in society in general, that conditions people to desperately seek a mate.
I suppose I really should write the book I was supposed to write after my thesis was accepted! :-)
Blessings, dmc
Posted by
David M. Colburn, DMin |
Tuesday, January 23, 2007 6:26:00 PM
1. Is marriage a sacrament in the church you serve? Yes.
2. Will you as a pastor marry individuals, who are not saved? As opposed to having them to continue to live in sin, probably.
3. Do you have a church policy in place? There is an implied policy, but not a codified one. Could you spell out the key issues and points?
Frankly, my church leaves it up to me to decide. We will have to look at this again; perhaps we should have a more formalized policy in place.
4. How would have you reacted to the Deacons response to the problem?
As a matter of conscience, any minister has a right to decline to perform a wedding. I would have explained that to the deacons. Perhaps another minister in the church could perform the ceremony. Besides all jurisdictions are not the same, I would not be surprised if some members of the deaconate, could not perform a ceremony.
Word got to me ahead of time that a gay couple would be approaching me in order to ask me to conduct a ceremony. They inexplicably backed off.
I have had couples that I declined to marry. I had a couple in particular who knew that I would not perform the ceremony, they went to Tahoe or somewhere in Nevada and got the ceremony performed anyway; by the way, they did not last.
Posted by
seal of Abraham |
Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12:25:00 PM
Christians ? ?
http://cmkxtruthandjustice.blogspot.com
Posted by
Tuscansun |
Saturday, June 23, 2007 5:10:00 PM
As an former youth minister I wouldn't marry a couple that hasn't been to my sessions on the matter. One being a christian and one that isn't should not matter. I'm not the judge of that. Only God can make that call.
Pastor Miles
Pastor Milestone Ministries.
Posted by
Anonymous |
Sunday, July 08, 2007 11:47:00 AM
As leaders of the church we are bound by Scripture and not by man. Therefore, in this situation it is the Bible that we look to for the answer as to whether we should marry a believer and non-believer. The answer is NO...a believer and non-believer should not be married. God is the judge of that and He has clearly stated in His word that a married couple is not to be "unequally yoked". Now, some may argue that these persons may just run to Vegas and get married anyway. Well, it is better for the pastor to follow God's word than to marry them just because they're "going to do it anyway". As Christians we must do things in a way that honors God and not just to appease people.
If they had both been non-believers I think careful consideration should have been made, but there's nothing wrong with marrying two persons who are agree that they are not believers.
It is also important for this couple to undergo premarital counseling. It is a great way to get them to think about the future instead of just the "heat of the moment" feelings they may still be living with.
Something that also should have been addressed in their counseling session should be whether the girl is actually a Christian or not. From the way I read the post, her tone, and the facts that she had ONCE gone to a church and that she was dating a non-Christian all indicate that this young woman may not truly Know Jesus as her Lord.
I think it is important that the pastor of this church call together a meeting of the families and deacons and explain Biblically what the response should be. If the church decides to fire him because he is following God rather than man, then he will indeed have a great reward in heaven.
Posted by
Les |
Monday, January 14, 2008 2:43:00 PM
Just reading the posting about wedding policies. First I'd like to say that the Word of God comes first. It overrules what any Deacon may think, and how is it that Deacons are telling the Pastor of the church what to do. Anyway, the couple obviously needs counseling, and the Pastor was on the right track with that. The woman to be married and her parents need to realize that the local church isn't a social club, it's where we go to worship corporately and use our gifs and talents for the glory of God. It's a house of prayer, a headquarters for outreach. The local church isn't influenced by (or shouldn't be) any one person or couple or group or board/organization. I hope that the Pastor sticks to his spiritual guns and follows the leading of the Holy Spirit. That other background stuff is really carnal. With love.
Posted by
Brainstorm |
Thursday, February 07, 2008 9:36:00 PM