Name-calling:
Words do hurt!

by Jan Beckert

What’s the problem with name-calling anyway? At least it isn’t hitting! Well, hurt occurs in several directions when name-calling occurs. First, obviously the person being labeled is hurt. He or she is reduced to a negative stereotype. The stereotype invoked relates to a group that is considered undesirable or inferior, maybe even despicable or hated; otherwise the name-caller would not have used it. All the societal prejudice associated with that group enforces the potency of that label. It’s chosen to hurt.

Secondly, hurt occurs for any witnesses. Just as children who witness violence in their homes have similar problems to children who are directly abused, so children witnessing name-calling are affected. They know what groups they had better identify with if they are to be accepted. They realize which characteristics of theirs are considered inferior. Keep in mind that these are, in our valued system, positive or neutral characteristics, one the child should feel fine about.

Witnesses are also hurt if the remarks are sexist and the witness is a girl or [are] racist and the witness is a child of color. Less obvious to an observer would be the ones who are hurt who aren’t visibly members of the group being used as a label. For example, a label of "gay" or "retard" would hurt my children who have a gay parent and a cousin with Down Syndrome. Similarly, children from multiracial families are hurt by racist remarks even if their physical race isn’t being put down.

Even the sender of the name-calling is diminished. The sender is attempting to elevate himself or herself by appealing to misguided prejudice. By depending on this narrow definition of self as "at least not like. . .", the sender weakens his or her own self-concept and thereby his or her self-esteem is diminished. Often these attacks of name-calling are attempts to bolster a fragile self-esteem. The more this strategy is used, the more the self-esteem actually suffers.

Finally, all of us are indirectly hurt by name-calling. This is one of the main ways "isms" grow and thrive. The old rhyme "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" I believe to be just plain wrong. Name-calling sets the stage for violence. Wife-battering, rape, gay-bashing and racial violence are all performed on that stage. All the hatred and lies around the name are invoked and reinforced in all who witness the name-calling.

As parents we have many opportunities to minimize name-calling and its effects on our children. First and most important is our own example. When we handle anger and conflict without resorting to name-calling, what we model is of tremendous value to our children. When we discipline our children by focusing on their behavior without calling them names like "stupid", "brat" or worse, we demonstrate how to communicate about actions, not personhood. We preserve their self-concept. I can’t emphasize enough how VERY important we are to the formation of their self-concept. By building a positive self-concept in our children and nurturing their self-esteem, we help them resist any blows to their identity that may be death to them "out there".

When siblings call each other names, we have an opportunity to teach. We can talk about the harm name-calling does. We can talk about how to express anger in ways that don’t abuse. We can also talk about how to respond when it happens to them outside of the family. We can even bring up the possibility of their intervening when they are witnesses to hateful name-calling. By doing so we can lessen the "us vs. them" thinking that underlies name-calling and the domination and oppression that is perpetuated.