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Michael
Henderson |
I have
been asked to write about ‘the abstract of forgiveness’, and not as I
usually do to tell stories of people who have practised it. For me that is
a difficult task. Academics and theologians may attempt it and do it well.
Their research is valuable. But I am neither. To me forgiveness defies
definition, indeed definition often distorts its reality. For forgiveness,
as I have witnessed it, is not a doctrine or a formula to be followed but a
life-restoring, past-healing experience. And too narrow a definition of it
may keep some people away from the precious freedom it brings. One thing,
though, is true: revenge is always wrong.
I can’t
separate the theory of forgiveness from the practice of forgiveness as I
have observed it in people all over the world from the most different
backgrounds. Nor do I always like even to employ the word as it often is
misunderstood or even thought to be a condoning of evil or a denial of
justice or an indulgence in amnesia. It is of course none of these things.
I also
have friends who would never use the word and deny that what has happened
in their lives as having anything to do with it. But by their actions I
would put them in the category of forgivers, men and women who despite
horrible experiences are reaching out to the ones who caused their pain and
working with them for a better future. The word forgiveness to them is not
appropriate. Forgiveness may, it is true, involve a specific action or
happen at a given moment in time. But it is for most people a part and only
a part of life’s journey where constant renewal is the order of the day.
Nevertheless let me pose myself a few often asked questions and approach
them, not by telling stories, but in the abstract way that has been
requested. I approach them in the belief that readers of this column have a
belief, however vague and undefined, that God has ways of communicating his
wishes to us, can help us sort through when forgiveness is or is not
appropriate and give us the strength to persevere.
Can we forgive someone if the other person will never
acknowledge the pain he or she has caused?
The theoretician will say that their repentance must come first. In most
cases that is probably best. But I know people who have been willing to
forgive without the other person’s repentance and have not only become free
themselves but have even as a result freed other people to face their
wrong. Perhaps there is a halfway house. As when one thinks of the example
of Nelson Mandela. He did not wait until all white South Africans faced the
past but at least there was a handover of power.
Is there a right time to forgive?
Forgiveness should not
be hurried or delayed. God has his own timing. I know those who have been
ready to forgive almost instantly and others who have taken fifty years to
reach that point. In both cases the step has been beneficial. Some people
are just not ready for that step and proper preparation or sufficient time
or a small change in the other person may prepare the ground.
Is there is ever a time when to forgive would be wrong?
Yes,’ one prepares confidently to answer. ‘Let them feel the pain of what
they have done.’ Certainly it is not our job to make it easy for someone
who is feeling the pain of guilt to escape the need for some kind of
restitution. Yet I am doubtful whether someone else should tell me I
shouldn’t forgive. Forgiveness must be a voluntary act. If I want to
forgive, other people should not deny me that right.
Do you have to be a Christian?
We Christians have no exclusive claim on the subject, though we may have a
specific message about the power of Christ. Other faiths than ours value it
highly and, as has been said, forgiveness is too important to keep
contained within the framework of a religious building or institution.
Non-believers, too, can take the rational step of forgiving. The result may
put them on the road to faith.
Are some deeds are too horrific to forgive?
In other words, is there a hierarchy of sin? It is true that not all ill
deeds are equal. But who is to decide what is beyond the pale? If we make
exceptions then everyone is free to think that the crime they or their
countries have suffered is unforgivable and therefore they are entitled to
hang on to their hatred. It becomes an unending cycle.
Why forgive?
Some may forgive because their conscience tells them so. Perhaps their
religious upbringing doesn’t permit them to let hatred continue in their
lives. Others may approach it pragmatically. Perhaps their refusal to
forgive is holding up a peace agreement. Some feel, quite rightly, that
unforgiveness is harming their health. They may feel, though possibly not
admitting it to them, that those who don’t forgive and keep on
regurgitating some hate are not very pleasant to live with. Some have
realized that as long as they don’t forgive they are prisoners of the past
and of those who hurt them in the first place.
What are the blocks to finding forgiveness?
Some may want to hang on to a hatred without realizing perhaps that
they find their security in it. They fear being lost without it. Some may
keep company with those who nourish the hatred rather than seeking out
those who would help them move beyond it. Some don’t talk the matter over
with trusted friends.
What happens if there is no response?
Forgiveness has a
wonderful way of healing a relationship. But you forgive because it is the
right thing for you to do, not because it will shame the other person or
even change their attitude. The other person may be dismissive. But we have
done our bit. Forgiveness may not always lead to reconciliation. You do not
necessarily have to like or even work again with the person you have
forgiven. Though one theologian friend of mine compares forgiveness without
healed relationships to a hand extended without a handshake.
How do we start?
Many ways might be suggested. I have found one of the best
ways to discern what step needs to be taken and to keep free of the
impulses to take a lesser way. That is to take time in quiet regularly,
preferably at the start of each day, to review the day before and to look
ahead. A moral inventory of our own shortcomings may make us readier to
forgive someone else, or at least begin to understand the forces at play on
the other person. If no prompting is telling you that you need to forgive
then just relax. Don’t manufacture guilt. If something is niggling there,
then take that time in quiet to see what step you could or should take. I
have never forgotten a piece of advice that transformed the life of a
Muslim leader and helped towards the resolution of a key political
division. ‘ ‘You are as close to God as you are to the person from whom you
feel most divided.’
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Michael Henderson is the author of
Forgiveness:
Breaking the Chain of Hate |
Articles Archive of
Michael Henderson
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