Spiritual Advice
by:
Frederica Mathewes-Green
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I'm a 25 year old single lady who loves the Lord. Lately I've been very
confused about how to find the right partner. In my church, dating is
viewed almost as a sin. They believe in the praying method-that God will
show you the right person when he's ready. I've watched a lot of young
people in my church follow this model, and almost four out of five ended
up being miserable--some have even backslid. God wants to give us the
desires of our hearts, so what is the Christian way to find the partner
God has more me?
--TidimaloGailele via email
The way your church is telling people to seek a mate reminds me of the
joke about a man clinging to his rooftop during a flood. He prays that
God will send him deliverance, and pretty soon a man in a rowboat comes
by. "No thanks," the man on the rooftop says, "I'm waiting on God to save
me." Later a family paddles up to him on a raft, and finally a helicopter
drops him a rope ladder, but the man gives these the same reply. Finally
waves close over the rooftop and the man finds himself standing before
God's throne.
"I prayed to you, Lord!" he protests. "Why didn't you save me?"
"I sent you a rowboat, a raft, and a helicopter," the Lord replies. "What
did you expect?"
It sounds like your church is telling people to expect a miraculous sign
to direct them to their mate, rather than the more ordinary means he
usually uses. But God has set us in a context, with our own intelligence,
our friends and family, and the example of believers before us as a
guide. All these elements can work in concert when we are praying for
discernment, about a mate or any other matter.
The first step, then, is to ask God to guide you. Then begin to keep your
eyes open for that raft or rowboat. Perhaps a young man keeps coming to
mind, and you wish you knew him better.
Now, this is the tricky thing about "the desires of your heart": some of
those desires are good, and some of them aren't. We want God to cleanse
and order our desires-to give us the desires themselves, so that we will
only want what he wants. So start with the desires you find naturally
springing up, and then evaluate them closely.
The second step, then, is to use your own reason and intelligence. Does
this young man seem like a companion for the entire life journey toward
salvation? Would he help you always to put God first-would he want you to
love God even more than himself? Also, take a hard look at yourself. Do
you like him because of his sterling qualities, or because he makes you
feel desirable (which indicates that he is stirring up vanity in you), or
because you could boss him around (pride, arrogance), or because he makes
a good salary (greed)? If the main thing drawing you toward this man is
rooted in one of your sins, he's not the right one.
Third, get the advice of other Christians whom you respect. Ask friends
to tell you frankly whether they think this is a match worth pursuing.
Ask clergy and elders at the church as well; it is always good to get the
perspective of an older generation, who have seen so many marriages at
work. From time immemorial, of course, young people have been assisted in
choosing a mate by their parents, who know them better than anyone else.
Gather many opinions and weigh them alongside your own inclinations.
It's sad that you say many of these "prayer" marriages at your church
have failed, and that some people have even lost their faith. The faith
was misplaced, I think, since believers were being led to picture God as
someone who would produce a future mate almost as a magic trick. While
God can certainly do miracles, he most often works through ordinary
means: our own patient discernment, listening prayer, and openness to
others' wisdom. People who limit God's work in this world to
extraordinary appearances will soon begin to feel he has deserted them.
But as the Lord of Creation he is around us all the time, working in
ordinary things, as simple as the nudging in your heart when you notice
that the same young man keeps coming to mind, over and over again.
************************
If someone does a good deed for an organization or individual, is it
wrong to ask for personal recognition?
--Kenny Welborn, Vidor, Texas
While Jesus warns sternly against making a show of prayer or almsgiving,
he also says, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your
good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." The
difference is in who gets the glory. It is good for a person to be
rewarded for his works, because that sets a shining example for others to
follow, and encourages all not to grow "weary in well-doing." Still, God
must get the ultimate praise.
Here's an illustration. I once heard that in London a century ago there
were two remarkable preachers. If you passed by the church of the first
on Sunday afternoon you would hear people on the steps saying, "What a
wonderful preacher!" But if you passed the other church you would hear
people saying, "What a wonderful God!"
While it's appropriate to give praise to individuals for the good they
do, we should always be mindful of the real Author of all good things.
********
Frederica Mathewes-Green
www.frederica.com
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